Ethan at One Month

* This post was meant to be published back in early December 2015, but blogging had to take a backseat with everything going on. Read on and you'll find out why :) *

Time does not only fly when you're having the greatest of times, it zooms past. It's like trying to keep water cupped in your hands but no matter how tight you hold on to it, it slips past your fingers. At 4 days old it felt like I was running after something, rushing to take in everything about him. His small toes, his soft head, his breath that smell of milk, his fragility. Ethan is now one month old. Very soon he will outgrow his newborn clothes, reach more milestones, and before we know it he's an active toddler that needs chasing around. It feels like I'm aboard a bullet train and the view is passing by me in a blur.

4 days old

It may be one of the benefits of having a gentle birth, I'm not sure, but Ethan is one calm baby. I was physically and mentally prepared to go through the newborn stage of waking up every hour at night to breastfeed and soothe a fussy one through baby wearing. The reality, however, was just the opposite. He wakes up every 2-3 hours to feed and I can put him back in his cot without so much as a wriggle. We put a small bed beside our queen sized so we can co-sleep, but so I can ease through the transition (Matt still sleeps with us), Ethan and I had to sleep in the living room for a week. He was also mostly asleep during the day and only wakes up to feed or when Lola Edna needed to clean him or give him a bath. His naps get much longer after that. He rarely cries, even now, and will just let out a small noise to let us know he's uncomfortable or needs something. I started to get worried that I won't get to use the baby wrap I borrowed from Matt's Ninang Sheilla. He's gone through the newborn stage that we only read about in baby books.

Lola gave me my first bath at home just like Kuya

Paaraw with Mommy

I wanted to bond more with him during the first few days so I tried to do Kangaroo Care. It seemed like he was not too comfortable in a tummy to tummy position though. He will not stay put unless he's really sleepy or I'm seated in a recliner chair beside the pool where we usually sun him (thank God the terrible haze was gone by his first week). I cradled him really close instead.

Cuddle time!

At one month Ethan can smile spontaneously. He can lift his head a little when you place him tummy down on your chest. He starts to focus on your face when you talk to him and his eyes can also follow if you try to move your head from side to side. He likes to be held and hugged in the cradle position with his tummy pressed against yours. He will fall asleep faster if you tap him lightly on his back and will open his eyes immediately if you stop. He stretches A LOT and will turn a deep shade of red. But swaddling still works for him at night, he can stay in it and sleep for 4 hours straight. Not all nights though because like most babies, his sleeping pattern is still changing.

Oh how I wish this stage won't have to end so soon. Before Ethan, posts on social media that say, "Don't grow up too fast, anak", sounded to me like such a cliche. Even with Matt then because I was so excited to see the boy he will turn out to be. But it's so much different this time. If only Ethan can stay this little for a bit longer. Don't you wish the same for your little one?

Let Me Start Again

* This post was meant to be published back in early December 2015, but blogging had to take a backseat with everything going on. Read on and you'll find out why :) *

Whew! I can't believe that I'm publishing a brand new entry to my blog after almost a year! It's been a while. And if you look at the last post below, CHANGES is an understatement. 2015 has been a game changer year for our small family. Both the good and the bad.

I got pregnant

I'm a firm believer that the Lord is always listening. He knows what's in our heart of hearts and he will grant our wishes as He sees fit. Again, we were not planning on it. But I must have been unconsciously praying for a new baby. I remember it being always on my mind. I would always find myself thinking that my heart has more than enough room for another one. Matt's sibling. And without directly praying for it, He answered and I was caught by a wonderful surprise.

Matt's speech development

At 2 years of age he still hasn't uttered his first word. Something that's been quite unsettling for us for a while now but we've always been told that it's too early to tell if something is wrong. Early this year we finally got on the same page with his pediatrician and Matt was sent to rehabilitation. He started his speech therapy this year. In time I will be able to write about this in detail.

I gave birth and we are now a family of four

Yes! One month ago. I chose and worked to have a gentle birth this time. Boy was it such an empowering experience. Right now we are past the transition stage, especially for Matt, and slowly easing in to our new normal with the new baby. It's that period of long nights with interrupted sleep, but I am loving every minute of it. I will have to make the most of my "nesting with baby" because pretty soon I'll be going back to work.

Maybe I had a different purpose for starting a blog before. Which is why it was so hard for me to write regularly. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I want to do it for myself this time. This blog will be my journal to remind me someday of these special moments and milestones with my family, I'm glad I chose to keep it. And the three above will be only the beginning, the intro's to our new chapter. Let me start again...

When It's Time For Change-s

They say that the only permanent thing in this world is CHANGE. But what would you do if life throws you about three of them in a span of one month? And these are not minor changes like rearranging your furniture or updating your entire wardrobe, but to your way of life which requires hard-core decision making and planning? I would advice you to take it one step at a time, relax, do not overwhelm yourself and enjoy the process. Well, I can't say I practice what I preach now can I? Here's what happened...

A Filipino friend who is working in the same company as I am offered me a career opportunity I can't let pass: to be able to transfer to a department where I will be able to practice my true line of expertise. I won't be going back to being an actual accountant but it will be close enough and I couldn't be more excited! Of course there's a catch, or "catches", which will produce a domino effect.

Catch # 1

I needed to move to day shift and follow normal local working hours. Now this may not seem to be a "catch" really. But considering our current situation here in Malaysia wherein I took a job at night so Jason and I can take turns in being with Matt, we had to find a whole new set-up and make it work. So unless my husband works from home, there's no other option but to hire a nanny who can look after Matt while we're away during the day. As a big portion of Filipino workers in this country are house helpers and most of them are always on the lookout for part-time jobs, looking for one is not the issue. The additional expense of getting one is. Here it costs us about four or five times what it normally would if we were back home and that's already the cheapest. They normally charge more if they shouldered the cost of their work permit themselves.

Monetary reasons aside, getting a nanny also meant that I had to put my trust in a complete stranger. Our son, whom we have only ever left to the care of his grandmothers or other family members, will have to spend hours every weekday with a caregiver we've met only once (during her interview). It's a different kind of anxiety and even now, two months later, I'm still not used to the idea that another person is managing my son's daytime activities in ways other than my own. I refuse to relent? What kind of mom does?

Catch # 2

The team that I have joined holds office in a different building that is about 40 kilometers away from my previous site. The travel time from our place in Kuala Lumpur to the old building was 1.5 hours each way but the commute was rather easy and convenient due to the connecting train lines and on-schedule public buses. However, whether I take the bus or the train or a combination of both, going to and from the new site will take me a minimum of 2.5 hours each way. That lessens my precious time with my family by 2 hours more! We then decided to move to a new home closer to the office. So on top of resetting my body clock, adjusting to a new work environment, recalculating the household budget and orienting the nanny, we will have to pack, move and unpack. And we all know that cannot be done in just a day.

Pause... Breathe...

I may sound ranting through all this. But at the end of every day since it all started, it gets me thinking, much greater than these "catches" is the abundance of blessings the Lord has showered my family. I now get to come to work and enjoy what I do. The long lost sense of fulfillment is back each time I finish a task. I now get to cuddle with my boys in bed at night, nurse my son to sleep, kiss him goodnight and cuddle with him again in the morning. I am again the last one he sees before he closes his eyes, and the first one he sees when he wakes up. Moments that are all too precious because he will grow up sooner than I think.

Having a nanny also means that Jason and I get more "us" time. We get to go on dates more often now and be like boyfriend and girlfriend again. Cheesy, I know, but having time to ourselves has never been more important than right now. When we can easily get caught up in our work, errands and responsibilities in general.

Our "this is it" barefoot dance when we found our new home.

Moving to a new house is definitely a lot of work in the beginning but once the last of the boxes has been unpacked, I get to use my almost non-existent decorating skills. I never knew it could be so tedious yet fun at the same time! Now, I totally get my mom when she's all worked up in the home section of a department store. How she always seem rooted to the spot examining a vase that she's been holding for the past 10 minutes. I realized it's not simply getting a piece of decor and placing it on an empty shelf in your living room. You will need to think about it's design, color, functionality, practicality. Oh this part could probably take up a whole new post.

Ultimately, changes can be very daunting. Especially when you have to deal with a lot at the same time. But in my case, having my husband to go through it all with me has been my saving grace. He has always been my rock, my support system and my shock absorber. And this is probably the most important of all. The feeling that whatever upheaval my little family may go through, in whatever state or country we find ourselves in, we will forever have each other.

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